How Do You ‘Do Love’ in Your Relationship?

How do you and your partner/s show each other your love? Have you really thought about it? What about when you are feeling unloved, how do you notice?

We all have them, those arguments that seem to come from nowhere, they catch us off guard triggered by something small and apparently insignificant. How has an emotional explosion come out of your partner simply because you didn’t pick up your socks this morning?

The answer : it’s not about the socks. It’s about the fact that they hate a messy room, it drives them mad, they have asked you more times than they care to remember, and still you don’t do it. AKA if you cared about me, you would do things that make me happy and take more care to not do things that drive me mad.

We all do it, so what is it about?

Gary Chapman developed The Five Love Languages. The idea that there are five ways in which we experience and express love, and that we each have a preference for our emotional communication and a primary ‘love language’

The Five Languages

Receiving Gifts

Quality Time

Words of Affirmation

Acts of Service or Devotion

Physical Touch

He writes that often the way we most display love, is the way we would like to receive it. Like the idea of ‘do unto others’ is that we are showing our partner/s how we would like to be loved. So many couples expect their partner to instinctually ‘just know’ what they need and why.

However, this just isn’t possible. Even the closest of couples will miss things sometimes. We are all human, and sometimes like a piano we hit the wrong keys, and other times we need to to tune our relationship as it can get out of key. Relationships take work, we are constantly negotiating the similarities and differences between us and our partner/s, and so maybe it’s not a surprise that we show our love in different ways. After all, whilst we are a ‘We’ we are also an ‘I’.

At Pillow we created something that can help. Our app has episodes that promote all of these love languages and much more. We have bottled up some of the most potent ways to nurture intimacy, helping you and your partner to become more aware and connected. Try an episode and talk about it. Did you both prefer the physical intimacy, or emotional communication? What about it made you as a couple feel special? Have a conversation about when you feel most loved, you never know you may find out something new about each other…

Get creative with your relationship and try Pillow

Discover your Love Language at

Kate is a Psychosexual & Relationship Therapist & Partner at Pillow. She works in London, helping couples and individuals to get to a place of sexual health, happiness, and wellbeing.